Tell me one thing; how does it feels like when you know you have screwed something so important over and over again and ended up hurting someone who you really don’t want to hurt? Well, I know that so well. Well enough to bitch about it here. There’s no need to brag about how many hearts you’ve break. Meh, no matter what your reasons are, you have no right to hurt these people regardless whether they are fat, stupid , a player and what not.
And whats the worst of it that you actually are avenging something which doesn’t exist. You are avenging things which emerged from the shadow. You are committing fault towards the innocent soul. You crushed a heart, you hurt a trust and you almost destroy a friendship. That’s not what I had in mind when I first I approached him. I had given my words, that I would never harm him in any way. I would never leave him no matter what. That I will be with him. But I betrayed that as well. He has more reason to hate me than how many reasons that I have to hate the Firstborn. At least he was honest with me, though he was a typical jerk.
Why did I do that? I could have already seen my ending with the second best. Who would’ve thought that The cold one will come back and claimed me? He did that out of blue. Shit, I should have just said 'fuck you' and moved on with the second best and perhaps marrying him and shit. That way, everyone should be happy, she would have never had to endure this needy feeling when he is not around. Come to think of it, he was more sincere than me in the relationship. I admit it, I was doing all of it out of revenge. I want the cold one to feel the pain, the hatred and the insult once he knew. What I never thought that the second best, he really invest his feelings, his times, his everything. He was literally giving his blood, his soul and his everything. One hundred percent while I can give him not more than 50. Is it because he is a friend that I accepted him? Or was it because of sympathy? Or was it because I was needy? That I need someone to talk to me, to entertain me and to attend to all my need. I need someone that I can run to, some higher point that I can refer to whenever I am in doubt. He almost provided all of it, and I was consuming him too much.
Not that I never tried to forget the cold one, the more I tried the more I am hating the second best. I was seeing the second one as a liability, as a... supplanter. Who would have thought that he could tolerate my shit for three years. The guilt keeps kicking in, it’ll never stop and it will haunt me to the end of my life. Second best is not like my other prey. He needed me, and I abandoned him. That was the greatest treachery that one human could commit to another. Only if he wasn’t his friend, things would change for the better. I would still be happy with him, and she will have someone to…. To look to. He can provide more than I do. And I cannot replace him. But he can be replaced.
And as the cold one, this is not his fault at all. It was all mine. I triggered the whole situation. I've planned everything. I was expecting him to fall for me even after I met him. Second best was an easy prey. Easier than The dude. The dude, heh even him, he realized that before he’ll be hurt more and more by someone invisible, he better moved out. He knew that the cold one will be the cause of my reluctance to accept him into my life.
Why the fuck do I love him so much? He were never there for me, I was all alone. He never know all the right thing to say. But yet, he already beaten out all the other guy. nobody could never ever replaced the cold one. But I thought that second best was nothing more than a punching bag. He was nothing more than a constant companion. I never think much of him, he was too nice, just like The cold one. Why the fuck didn’t I just stay with firstborn and be corrupted forever? I should have dwelled in the darkness. The kindness didn’t suit me at all. I wasn’t born to be good. I was destined to crash and destroy. Everything I touch will fall into pieces, everyone I love will have disaster wrapped all around. My bloodgivers, my bloodsharers. I am a danger. To all the people around and myself.
I should be happy, though. Why shouldn’t I? I have finally got him where I want him. But it dawned to me. Do I really him like how I used to profess to the whole world? Do I really want to spend my life with him? But mother likes him. Used to. But not anymore. She thought he is hurting me. He is. He has the right to do so. But I cannot possibly go back. I don’t have the choice. Though I have betrayed him slightly, I still have the chance.
And god, even if he wants to let me go, give him strength. Don’t let him falter. Get rid of the guilt from his system. He and second best deserve a better life. With a better person. A normal person. That will give them happy family. Them, being someone that is proper and normal. Because that person is not me. I failed completely as a human, as a daughter, as a sister and as a friend. I cannot be a good lover. I cannot provide the things that they both needed.
Until the end my life I will always remember them both. My ice and fire. My rain and sunshine. My darkness and light. They are important to me. Very important. And I will always try to protect them and their interest at any cost.
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