i think i love him, definitely. yes. of course.

is it true that dating a pureblood capricorn is very very daunting and painful for a leo like me?

guess it's true.

the key is; keep on waiting waiting waiting.


i am the impatient type of person. and most of all, i will get whatever the hell i want, easily. and he is revoking this fact, wholly. he turned the table on me like had never been done before. i must admit, dear bloggie that my first entry was a bit..... harsh and stupid-like. i shouldn't be dwelling in the past for too long. it is not good for me.

ANYHOW.

in this game, he is the bitch. not me. and when i typed the word bitch, it means that he is the one who intrigues me, he is the one who keep on egging me to hunt him on and on. damn him. he made me work so hard, and still doing so. a lot of people want me to let go of him now; they said i am better off with another one. and i almost thought that i should, too.

but something dawns to me; kira-sama is a VERY hard habit for me to break. very hard. he is very addicting, and something about him sucks me in. i don't whether it is his personality or his attitude or whatever but hey, he attracts me like lights who attract moths. i am the moth, sadly.

of course i later figure why he is sucha hard habit to break. he is rare for a man. very rare and hard to find. i have waited for three goddamn years for him to fall into my arms. and i am not going to let this three months wait to dampen and shorten my relationship with him.

and of course bloggie, the last time i ever saw his face was three years ago and the last time i talked to him was about a month or so ago. he is a challenger. i hate him for that. his question:

how can you make me love you even more?

what the hell? no guy i ever hunted ever asked me such  a question. for a second, i felt as if i was insulted directly by him and i feel like as if i wanna clasp his face and start yelling all the offensive stuffs that i used to throw at my persistent stalkers.

he should be thanking his star for the fact that i love him more than i ever love another man before him. hence, that's the only reason why i have been bending to his rule and will all this while. i let it go, i even bleed myself profusely in the process. but it is all worth it

though i need to wait for a bit more. but it will be alright. i will face it boldly

Menyesal ku akui tak terima cintamu
Dan kini engkau pergi meninggalkan hidupku
Terlambat ku akui berertinya dirimu...


whine whine whine whine whine whine whine


not even in a thousand years, will i get rid of this guilt. and even if i do end up marrying the cold one. the guilt will still linger

of the independent life and hard-earned cash

dear blog,
finally i am thinking about finding a job, not because i have to but because i want to. ill work and work and work and work, and forget everything that i need to remember.indeed. i'd rather sweat my ass out anywhere else rather than having to stay home watching mom and dad paying for everything i did.

was i really reasoning with myself the other day? was i really that useless as they claimed me to be? if it's true then it is sucks to be me. if its true then all my martyr acts make me look like a loser instead of a helper. who would have known? i thought i was doing them a favor but it seems to be... in a reverse order.

i am the burden now. and i need to lighten it up, regardless even if i have to fight the balrog. i will do it. and maybe will try to ease mom and dad a tiny bit. that'll be my solace.

and on a good account, perhaps i should be preparing and all gear up... for hunting :P

of the bloodsharers and bloodgivers.

i refuse to believe that i will end up having the ordinary job and living the most ordinary life with the most average joe that i could find.. no. i refuse to believe in that flatly. no. never. i know i am destined to do great things, to become the greatest person that one could ever seen. i don't care if the whole world is against me. and i don't care even if i have to finish the journey alone, on my own. without any companion.


my faith in true love, as in the opposite sex attraction kind of shit is beginning to fade. i grew tired of hoping sitting and thinking like a buffoon when i am clearly not one. and it is okay. perfectly fine by me if i have to finish the journey alone. and as cliche as it may sound; i don't really need any men in my life. i have my abah and my brother. they could provide me more than anyone else could have. and they have the same blood as mine and even though they might hurt me at one time, i cannot revert the love away from them. because it is in my blood. 


enough about men. i am reconsidering about what have i done all these past few years and she claimed that i have done nothing indeed and i am wasting my time completely. do you know how hurtful it sounds when it comes from my own bloodsharer? as if it is not enough that my own father have little trust about the fact that i am not going to get into the university.


it hurts damn much, blog. very much so. i can take it from some losers back in kdu, or some good for nothing i am better than you wannabe bitch. but from my own bloodsharer? seriously. where did i go wrong? was it because i was trying to act martyr by staying home close to my bloodgivers? is that what gave me away? 


it dawned to me over and over again; why do i even bother trying my hardest to be good? 

the first whining

Tell me one thing; how does it feels like when you know you have screwed something so important over and over again and ended up hurting someone who you really don’t want to hurt? Well, I know that so well. Well enough to bitch about it here. There’s no need to brag about how many hearts you’ve break. Meh, no matter what your reasons are, you have no right to hurt these people regardless whether they are fat, stupid , a player and what not.

And whats the worst of it that you actually are avenging something which doesn’t exist. You are avenging things which emerged from the shadow. You are committing fault towards the innocent soul. You crushed a heart, you hurt a trust and you almost destroy a friendship. That’s not what I had in mind when I first I approached him. I had given my words, that I would never harm him in any way. I would never leave him no matter what. That I will be with him. But I betrayed that as well. He has more reason to hate me than how many reasons that I have to hate the Firstborn. At least he was honest with me, though he was a typical jerk.

Why did I do that? I could have already seen my ending with the second best. Who would’ve thought that The cold one will come back and claimed me? He did that out of blue. Shit, I should have just said 'fuck you' and moved on with the second best and perhaps marrying him and shit. That way, everyone should be happy, she would have never had to endure this needy feeling when he is not around. Come to think of it, he was more sincere than me in the relationship. I admit it, I was doing all of it out of revenge. I want the cold one to feel the pain, the hatred and the insult once he knew. What I never thought that the second best, he really invest his feelings, his times, his everything. He was literally giving his blood, his soul and his everything. One hundred percent while I can give him not more than 50. Is it because he is a  friend that I accepted him? Or was it because of sympathy? Or was it because I was needy? That I need someone to talk to me, to entertain me and to attend to all my need. I need someone that I can run to, some higher point that I can refer to whenever I am in doubt. He almost provided all of it, and I was consuming him too much.

Not that I never tried to forget the cold one, the more I tried the more I am hating the second best. I was seeing the second one as a liability, as a... supplanter. Who would have thought that he could tolerate my shit for three years. The guilt keeps kicking in, it’ll never stop and it will haunt me to the end of my life. Second best is not like my other prey. He needed me, and I abandoned him. That was the greatest treachery that one human could commit to another. Only if he wasn’t his friend, things would change for the better. I would still be happy with him, and she will have someone to…. To look to. He can provide more than I do. And I cannot replace him. But he can be replaced.

And as the cold one, this is not his fault at all. It was all mine. I triggered the whole situation. I've planned everything. I was expecting him to fall for me even after I met him. Second best was an easy prey. Easier than The dude. The dude, heh even him, he realized that before he’ll be hurt more and more by someone invisible, he better moved out. He knew that the cold one will be the cause of my reluctance to accept him into my life. 

Why the fuck do I love him so much? He were never there for me, I was all alone. He never know all the right thing to say. But yet, he already beaten out all the other guy. nobody could never ever replaced the cold one. But I thought that second best was nothing more than a punching bag. He was nothing more than a constant companion. I never think much of him, he was too nice, just like The cold one. Why the fuck didn’t I just stay with firstborn and be corrupted forever? I should have dwelled in the darkness. The kindness didn’t suit me at all. I wasn’t born to be good. I was destined to crash and destroy. Everything I touch will fall into pieces, everyone I love will have disaster wrapped all around. My bloodgivers, my bloodsharers. I am a danger. To all the people around and myself. 

I should be happy, though. Why shouldn’t I? I have finally got him where I want him. But it dawned to me. Do I really him like how I used to profess to the whole world? Do I really want to spend my life with him? But mother likes him. Used to. But not anymore. She thought he is hurting me. He is. He has the right to do so. But I cannot possibly go back. I don’t have the choice. Though I have betrayed him slightly, I still have the chance. 

And god, even if he wants to let me go, give him strength. Don’t let him falter. Get rid of the guilt from his system. He and second best deserve a better life. With a better person. A normal person. That will give them happy family. Them, being someone that is proper and normal. Because that person is not me. I failed completely as a human, as a daughter, as a sister and as a friend. I cannot be a good lover. I cannot provide the things that they both needed. 

Until the end my life I will always remember them both. My ice and fire. My rain and sunshine. My darkness and light. They are important to me. Very important. And I will always try to protect them and their interest at any cost.